Thank you my friend, for allowing me the chance to share my thoughts and openly admit my struggles.

After hearing my thoughts out loud, I am sad to realize that I am still stuck in old patterns and as a result, still minimize my self worth.

I have an addiction to worldly things… things that I once used to fill the void before I even realized I had a void.

I have an addiction to worldly ideals… ideals that led to self destruction.

When I woke up this morning, I went to the Word and found myself in Romans…

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

God has called me for his purpose. He called me to break free from a self destructive pattern of superficial, worldly ideals and desires.

He has given me living water so that I may never thirst again. Promise and hope for overcoming any sort of addiction.

So in this particular sadness of being haunted by the ghost of my past, I find a renewed sense of hope.

I pray that my mind, my heart, my soul, all of me, be transformed and renewed to God’s will! And WOW à God’s will is not only good, not only pleasing -- it is PERFECT!

I feel a weird sense of calmness today... I think it's because my sister came home. She's really home. :)

I also a moment of relief when I drove by Mt. Soledad and the cross was there.

Also, I received in the mail today the notice stating that my custody case is officially being transferred from LA to SD. (So yes, the court date this past Wednesday went well. Mike didn't show up and the judge at the last minute decided to grant the change of venue.)

So much to be thankful for... :)

ANOTHER COURT DATE

It's getting closer to yet another day at court in Los Angeles. I have put it aside for awhile because there is no use in thinking about it or worrying about it.

This time I initiated the hearing so that I can have our post dissolution (divorce)/ custody/ visitation be dealt with here in SD if they should arise.

I don't doubt that I will need to have the case here.

There shouldn't be any reason why the case can't be transferred. It's just a pain for everyone that's all. But it's a one time thing and the overcrowded, overworked LA courts should appreciate letting one go.

But I am still nervous and tense. As the day approaches, I find myself more and more stressed and nervous about it. There's this heavy weight on my chest.

I am worried that he will figure out a way to fight it and delay the process of prevent the process. I am not sure why he would because he does not live in LA either, but he would do this to make things harder for me.

I am worried that he might show up and harass me.

I am afraid that the court will not grant me the request.

Anyway, when these fears replay in my mind, I try to give it to God. I know He is in full control of the situation... and I am trying my best to rest in Him.

breathing out...

Something I like to do with tea is add protein powder to give me a little protein boost. Changes the taste of the tea, but not in a bad way.

Does gingo biloba work? I found this herbal supplement with ginkgo and eleuthero (boosts energy and promotes balance) and Tibetan Rhodiola (increases physical output and I heard somewhere that rhodiola is good when you're stressed out).

Anyway, just wondering if herbal stuff is any good? I guess there's got to be something about it since its been around for so long, especially in Chinese culture. And I've seen very strong, healthy, sharp older Chinese people. (Oops, is this not PC to generalize like this?) Just curious about this and Eastern medicine.

I love tea!

My latest kick is tea. I love tea! I drink green tea almost everyday.

I've been trying a variety of different blends, but this is what I like so far... honey ginseng green tea by The Repubic of Tea and Starbuck's Chai Latte. Yummy!

Any suggestions?